Tifa gets a COMPUTER!
by Tiny Wolverine
Summary: So... Tifa gets a com! Find out all the troubles she gets in as she tries to use the computer, and FAILS! This is my first oneshot! This is a crackfic, so beware! The characters are not as they seem! Read and review every1!


**Author's Note: **Erm, I don't know that much about FFVII, so just try to go along with the story, alright? And this is my first oneshot. Read and try to review! Oh, yeah, the poems and the letter is written by, our one and only, RenzokukenZ! And he also Betaread this story! Thanks, Renzo! This one's for you!

**Disclaimer: **Well, you should know this. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING IN THIS STORY!! Not even the computer… But I do own the pig. And the poem belongs to RenzokukenZ. And the letter.

**Tifa gets a Computer!**

Tifa ran all the way to Cloud's house, bursting with excitement. She bought a new computer! Now she can chat online with Cloud, Cid, Vincent and Yuffie 24/7 and not be left out.

She burst into Cloud's house, breaking down the door in process. "Cloudcloudcloud! Igottanewcomputer!!" she yelled. Then she looked right, then left, but no Cloud. "Cloud?" she called. No answer. "Cloud," she called again, stepping over crisps packets and filthy underwear. Cloud has never been known for his neatness.

Tifa searched around the house, but Cloud was not to be found. She stood in the middle of the living room and covered her nose. The house really smelled. Then, she ran outside to the backyard, having a good idea where he might be.

Cloud wasn't there, but a huge mud puddle was. With a frown, Tifa sighed and wondered where Cloud might be. She didn't see a huge, Cloud-like shape that-was-holding-a-pig and a Vincent-like shape rise from the mud puddle, staring intently at her. "Hi Tifa."

Tifa jumped and looked at the muddy figure as it wiped its face and tickled the pig. Cloud grinned at her. "Look, I got a new pet! Meet Piggy." He showed her the pig and it grunted and squealed. "What brings you here?" Vincent asked, his face still covered in mud.

"I got a new computer!" Tifa informed him haughtily. "Want to go online later?"

"Sure," Cloud said, struggling with the pig. "Stay… still… Piggy!" It obeyed him, and he sighed, then a soft sound of water trickling was heard. Vincent started to laugh hysterically. "Piggy!" Cloud cried. "Ugh!" Vincent fell back into the mud puddle and rolled out, laughing so hard that his pants were wet. Cloud's house was on a hill, and Vincent rolled down, laughing as he crashed through thorny bushes and branches.

Tifa winced as she heard the screams of pain, then they stopped. She peered over the edge. "Vincent?" she called.

"I'm fine!" a weak voice called back. "Just fine."

Tifa grinned. "Okay!" She turned to Cloud. "I'll go home and I'll see you online later!!" She bounded off.

"Fine!" Cloud called, walking to the edge. Suddenly, his feet couldn't move any further, and he looked down to see himself sinking. "Oh, no. Quickmud!" Cloud wailed. "Oh, well, at least I have you." Cloud cuddled the pig. Piggy leapt out of his arms with an insulted grunt and trotted off, leaving him alone.

"Wait!" he yelled after the pig. "Come back here!" Piggy ignored him, trotting into the house. A few minutes later, he heard the television being turned on. Then, a crash as Piggy most likely was watching the cooking channel, and that they were grilling a pig. "Oh, man, not the television, anything but the television!" he groaned.

Another crash came from the house, and the house burst into flames.

"Oh, man." Cloud scratched his head.

……………………………

Tifa sat down in front of her computer. "Okay, here we go," she said softly and she pressed the start-up button. The computer beeped- "It said, 'Beep'!" Tifa cried- and the words, "Hello, Tifa," floated up the screen. Tifa squealed with excitement and snatched up the phone, dialing. "Hello, Yuffie speaking," a bored voice said into the phone.

"Yuffie? You know my new computer? Yea, it knows my name!" Tifa crowed. "And it could say-" The phone went dead as Yuffie hung up. Tifa sighed and murmured, "Jealousy," to herself.

Tifa looked at the mouse and muttered, "Hm, what is this?" She opened the instructions book and saw a picture of a cat playing with the mouse and the X over the picture. Her cat bounded up the table and pawed at it. Then, the cat started to hiss and spit.

"Oh, they actually give toys for cats along with a computer!" Tifa exclaimed, thinking that she knew what the mouse was for. She unplugged the mouse and handed it to her cat. The cat mewed a thank you and started to play with it, pulling out the wires and gnawing at the hard plastic. Tifa turned back to the computer.

"How do I turn on the internet?" she asked herself, then randomly pressed several buttons. The solitaire game opened and Tifa grinned. "A game!! But I need the Internet."

She pressed several more buttons and Microsoft Word flew up the screen. "No, I want the INTERNET," she said loudly and clearly to the computer. The screen flickered slightly and Tifa pressed some more buttons. This time, iTunes came up.

"Argh!!" Tifa slammed the keyboard and the Internet came up. "Oh!" she said, slowing. Then, she typed in, '' and tried to register. "Hm, what do I want my e-mail to be?" she wondered. "What about, ?" She typed it in-it took her a whole hour to type that-but the computer said, "That name is already in use."

………………………..

Cloud sat in front of Vincent's computer as his own house had blown up and typed in his e-mail: .

………………………..

Tifa sighed. "The last 500 names I chose are in use! Wait, what about, ?" she typed it in and the computer said, "That name is not in use. Please type in your password."

She finished registering in 18 hours and yawned, stretching. Her foot accidentally hit the disc drive and it popped open. She looked down and saw it. "What is that?" she asked herself.

She pressed it back in and stretched again, her foot hitting the button one more time. It popped open again and she stared at it. "It looks like a cup-holder!" she cried. Tifa ran off and took her special mug with Cloud's face and a stain on his face on it. She made coffee and put the mug on the disc drive. Then, she dialed another number.

"What?" Cid's voice was sleepy and he sounded cheesed off, but, being Tifa, she didn't notice.

"Cid! My new computer has a cup holder!"

"Fascinating. You call me up at three 'o clock in the morning just to tell me that. I'm so happy for you. Can I go back to sleep now?" Without waiting for an answer, Cid hung up. Tifa sighed.

_I need to look for new weapons. And Cloud's birthday is tomorrow. Didn't Yuffie say the last time that we can buy things online?_ she thought.

She searched the net and finally managed to find all she needed, without looking at the prices. Then, she clicked the Start button and went to All Programs and clicked on Accessories. "Wow," she said softly. "I can actually paint on my computer!"

She tried to paint, but it came out as a really black piece of crap. With a sigh, she closed that window and looked at the computer. "I am going to send Cloud an e-mail," she told the computer. "You have to co-operate."

The computer beeped and Tifa opened the new message. "Dear… Cloud…" Tifa said as she slowly typed in the message. "I… Wait, where's my 'I'?" She looked around the keyboard wildly and saw nothing. In desperation, she dialed in Cloud's number.

………………………

Cloud snored loudly in his sleep as the phone rang. He jerked awake with a snort and wiped away the drool that came out of his mouth. He picked up the phone after a 10 second delay. "H'llo?" he asked sleepily.

"CLOUD!!" The yell was so loud that he had to lift the phone away from his ear at the risk of going deaf. "I lost my 'I'!" Tifa cried.

"You lost your eye?" Cloud asked, fully awake now. "How! Who did it?"

"How should I know?" Tifa screeched. "I was minding my own business, typing, then I lost it!"

"Stay there, I'll come over," Cloud fumbled around in the dark, looking for his shirt and pants.

"Thanks, Cloud, I really… oh, wait, here it is." Tifa hung up on him. Cloud stared at the phone dumbly. Then, with a yawn, he fell back into the bed, fast asleep with drool coming out of his mouth again.

…………………………

Tifa looked around for the send button when she was done typing. There were just too many buttons! Taking a deep breath, she randomly smashed everything, and the computer beeped, "You are too rough with me."

"Like heck," she retorted. "You just do as I want to do, then I won't be rough."

The computer beeped again. "Fine. Deal."

"Deal." She held out her hand and they shook hands. "Now, I'm going to type in something. A poem, actually. What do I use?"

The computer beeped mischievously. "Well, this will be fine." The email going to Cloud, Cid, Yuffie and Vincent came up. Tifa trusted to computer and typed in the poem.

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_I hate Cid_

_Everyone does too_

_I also hate Yuffie_

_She's an idiot_

_And Vincent too_

_Cause he's a hypocrite_

_But Cloud is mine_

_Controlling him is easy_

_But not his pig_

_I want it crispy_

The computer sent out the message once it was done and beeped, "The message has been sent."

"WHAT?!" Tifa yelled. The computer beeped again, "Oh, er, I meant, the poem has been saved."

"Oh, for a moment there I thought you sent out a message," Tifa sighed. The computer made a screeching sound that was supposed to be a laugh.

"You know what? I think I'll call you Monsieur Lockhart. Pretty catchy, eh?"

"Fascinating," the computer beeped dryly.

"Now, what can I do? I know, I'll go to and read what people have been saying about me!" Tifa turned on the Internet again and typed in the site name. She read a few stories about her and Cloud being together forever then fell asleep.

…………………………

The next day, Tifa went out to buy games. She bought Warcraft, Rome Total War, The Sims 2, and Command and Conquer. Back in her house, she installed everything and started serious gaming.

"You're going to need glasses soon," the computer beeped.

"Heck with it. Now shut up, I've almost won."

"You're looking at the wrong side of the winning bar."

"No, I'm not!" Just then, the words, 'You have LOST' floated up the screen. "Damn!" Tifa slammed the keyboard.

The computer flickered. "You have a message!" The message was from Cloud, Yuffie, Cid and Vincent. This was what it said:

Tifa

_Your poetry sucks! Try this on for size!_

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_Milk, eggs and coffee_

_Take that!_

Your friends

Tifa let out a scream. "That WAS a message! I shouldn't have trusted you!" She slammed the computer so hard that the computer broke down and the screen went black. Then, she started dancing.

…………………………

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to YOU! Happy BIRTHDAY DEAR TIFA… Happy birthday to Yoo… OO!" Tifa uncovered her ears as Cloud's tremendously loud and terrible singing came to a stop. Of course, Yuffie, Vincent and Cid were singing as well, but they weren't as loud. Or as terrible. But she still loved Cloud anyways.

"Thanks you guys," Tifa beamed at them.

"Blow out the candles and cut the cake!" Cloud called. "Some people are starving here!"

Tifa laughed and blew out the candles after making a wish. Then, she started to serve the cake.

"So," Yuffie said as they have all finished eating. "Shall we give you your present?"

"Please," Tifa said with a grin. Cid handed her the present and she shook it. "It's awfully heavy," Tifa said doubtfully.

"Open it already!" Vincent yelled.

Tifa ripped open the paper, stared at the present and screamed. Then, she ran away as fast as she could.

"What'd we get her that's so scary?" Cid asked.

"I dunno. Her problem," Cloud shrugged. "Let's get outta here." They left, leaving the present where it was. Guess what it is! No, I'll tell you.

It's a laptop computer.

………………………..

**Dawn Runner95:** Yea, I'm really sorry if it sounded weird. And if Tifa sounds like something bad. Anyways, R&T2R. This is a crackfic! And I'll try to make this a series of oneshots about Tifa and her poor gadget using.


End file.
